Found Stuff

I was sent a link to this article, reproduced below

ACTUAL COLLEGE THEME PAPER - HEY I COULDN’T MAKE THIS UP

Remember the book “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus”?  Well, here’s a prime example offered by an English professor at an American University.

“Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story.  The process is simple.  Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right.  One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story.  The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story.  The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to reread what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking and anything you wish to say must be written on the paper. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.”

The following was actually turned in by two of my English students:

Rebecca (last name deleted) and Jim (last name deleted).

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STORY:
(First paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn’t decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again.  So chamomile was out of the question.
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(Second paragraph by Jim)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. “A.S. Harris to Geostation 17, he said into his trans- galactic communicator.

“Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far…” But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship’s cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
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(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel,” Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed hurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. “Why must one lose one’s innocence to become a woman?” she pondered wistfully.
——————————————————–
(Jim)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live.  Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu’udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu’udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret Mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie and 85 million other Americans.  The President slammed his fist on the conference table. “We can’t allow this! I’m going to veto that treaty! Let’s blow ‘em out of the sky!”
———————————————————
(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature.  My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.
———————————————————-
(Jim)
Yeah? Well, you’re a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. “Oh shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F*CKING TEA??? Oh no, I’m such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels.”
———————————————————-
(Rebecca)
Asshole.
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(Jim)
Bitch.
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(Rebecca)
Wanker.
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(Jim)
slut.
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(Rebecca)
Get f*cked.
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(Jim)
Eat shit.
——————————————————–
(Rebecca)
F*CK YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!
———————————————————-
(Jim)
Go drink some tea - whore.
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(Teacher)
A+    I really liked this one.

Very apt result we think

These animations are excellent, links sent to me by email.

#1 - Jurassic Fart Part 1

#2 - Jurassic Fart Part 2

#3 - Monkey Farts

OK, these are the product of some animator with way too much time on his hands, but appreciated nonetheless

One other link, along a similar vein, would be Mister Nice Hands (tip - click on the hands anywhere)

Below is a selection of pictures sent to me in two separate emails, none of which show the subjects in their best light (to say the least).

We’d like to hear comments on these ones - which scared you the most, which was funniest, which was downright weird, etc….

No. 1 - Wee Cinderella

No. 2 - The Wicked StepMom

No. 3 - Old Guy-Thing

No. 4 - Ageless Yuk!

No. 5 - Scary Body Art

No. 6 - Hairy Scary

No. 7 - The Brothers Grimm

No. 8 - Please push her in

No. 9 - Too not sexy for my skirt

No. 10 - Tattoo Horror

No. 11 - Lovely Couple…NOT

No. 12 - Scary Clown (please do not invite this guy to your kid’s party)

No. 13 - Sleeping Non-Beauty

No. 14 - Who ate the Karate Kid?

No. 15 - Run Child, Run

Feel free to email us any zany pics to Admin@FoundStuff.co.uk

Please sleep well, and hopefully don’t have nightmares after looking at this latest collection

OK, received this today from my mate Phil.  It is a little more ‘adult’ in nature than some of our normal stuff, and might even manage to offend some of the anal-retentive people, but it is definitely too funny not to have it included in our collection………..

REDUNDANCY NOTICE

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the economy since last Christmas, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement.  This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPE’d can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).  Persons who have been RAPE’d or SHAFTed will be reviewed under the SCREW scheme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers).

A person may be RAPE’d once, SHAFTed twice and SCREWed as many times as Management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPE’d can only get AIDS  (Additional Income for Dependants or Spouses) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).  Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTed or SCREWed any further by management.

Persons staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible.  Management has always taken pride from the amount of SHIT it gives employees.  Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring it to the attention of the supervisor.  They have been  trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Have a good day.

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second one about 50 feet behind the first. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.

The man couldn’t stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, ‘I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?’

‘My wife’s.’

‘What happened to her?’

The man replied, ‘My dog attacked and killed her.’

He inquired further, ‘But who is in the second hearse?’

The man answered, ‘My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when
the dog turned on her.’

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

‘Can I borrow the dog?’

The man replied, ‘Get in line.

Was sent this pic today, not long after Roy Keane had resigned as manager of Sunderland, in the English Premiership.

Advertisement

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

“I don’t want to know,” the child said, bursting into tears. “Promise me you won’t tell me.”

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed “When I was six, I got the ‘there’s no Easter Bunny’ speech.

At seven, I got the ‘there’s no Tooth Fairy’ speech.

When I was eight, you hit me with the ‘there’s no Santa’ speech.

If you’re going to tell me that grownups don’t really get laid, I’ll have nothing left to live for.”

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there’s nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Jeff.  Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Susie.

Since I retired several years ago, it has become necessary for Susie to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don’t yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table.

I generally have lunch in the Men’s Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I’m ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating.  But now it’s not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won’t clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take ‘em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement.  I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won’t have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn’t hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.  She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the garden. I try not to make a scene. I’m a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while.  And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Susie. I’m not saying that showing this much consideration is easy.  Many men will find it difficult.  Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile.  After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Sincerely, Jeff

EDITOR’S NOTE (especially for the ladies):

Jeff died suddenly on March 1 of a perforated rectum.

The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby.

His wife Susie was arrested and charged with murder.  The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that Jeff somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

OK, taking the mickey out of our fellow countrymen, but we’re allowed to

Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster! Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!!

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A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he’d like a drink

He replied in disgust ‘I’d rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!’

Paddy handed his drink back & said ‘Me too, I didn’t know we had a choice!’

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Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight

The operator asks ‘How many people are flying with you?’

Paddy replies ‘I dont know! Its your f***ing plane!!’

———————————————————————–

Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site.

Paddy says to Murphy ‘Im gonna have the day off, Im gonna pretend Im mad!’

He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down & shouts ‘I’M A LIGHTBULB! I’M A LIGHTBULB!’

Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts ‘Paddy you’re mad, go home’ So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

‘Where the hell are you going?’ asks the Foreman.

‘I cant work in the friggin dark!’ says Murphy.

Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.

After 3 hours of amazing sex Paddy says ‘I wonder how the girls are getting on’

———————————————————————–

Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.

She undresses & lies on the bed spreadeagled & says ‘You know what I want dont you?’

‘Yeah,’ says Paddy. ‘The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!’

———————————————————————–

Q. Whats a Catholic priest & a pint of Guiness got in common?
A. A black coat, white collar & you’ve got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!

———————————————————————–

Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair.

He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

———————————————————————–

Paddy’s chat up lines:

• Did ya fart? ‘Cos ya just blew me away!
• Are your parents retarded? ‘Cos your special!
• My love for you is like diarrhoea. I just cant hold it in!
• Is there a mirror in your knickers? ‘Cos I can see myself in them!
• Your body reminds me of a spanner. Evertime I think of you my nuts tighten up!
• You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only a light switch away!

Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman who’s head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her.

A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said ‘I dont think thats her, she wasn’t that tall!’

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Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbours dog is barking like mad in the garden.

Paddy says ‘To hell with this!’ & storms off.

He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks ‘What did you do?’

Paddy replies ‘Ive put the dog in our garden, let’s see how they like it!’

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An Irishman is shagging a Jewish girl & says ‘You’re not very tight for a Jew!’

She says ‘Well you’re not very thick for a Paddy!’

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Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.

‘Be Jeysus!’ he said, ‘I didnt even know they had mobile phones!’

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Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.

Mick says ‘Crikey! Theres a bloke here who was 152!’

Paddy says ‘Whats his name?’

Mick replies ‘Miles from London !’

———————————————————————–

An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay.

Paddy drives past & stops.

He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts ‘Its thick c**ts like you that give us Irish a bad name! I’d come over there & kick the f**k out of you if I could swim!’

No Irishmen or any others were hurt in the making of this selection of Irish Jokes, so please take no offence