Found Stuff

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my husband purchased a week of personal training at the local health club.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me.

He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile.  Woo Hoo!!

Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines.. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today.  Very inspiring!

Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.  Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it!  My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile.

His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!  It’s a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it.  I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.  Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.  His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster.  Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?  Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life…He said some other shit too.

THURSDAY:

Asshole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl.  I couldn’t help being a half an hour late– it took me that long to tie my shoes.

He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom.  He sent some skinny bitch to find me.  Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine– which I sank.

FRIDAY:

I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world.  Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic, little aerobic instructor.  If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

Christo wanted me to work on my triceps.  I don’t have any triceps!  And if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.  Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:

Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today.  Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner.

However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:

I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over.  I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal or a hysterectomy.

I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

Consider the following Celebrity Homes:

1.  John Travolta

2. Oprah

3. J-Lo

4. Arnold Schwarzenegger

5. Eddie Murphy

6. Billy Joel

7. Sylvester Stallone

8. Tiger Woods

In the Ruff Ruff, yet again

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An elementary school class started a class project to make planters to take home to their parents….

They wanted to have a plant in it that was easy to take care of, so they decided to use Cactus Plants.

The students were each given green-ware pottery plants in the shape of clowns, which they painted with glaze.

The clown planters were then professionally ‘fired’ on a class outing, allowing the students to see the whole process.  All agreed the day out was great fun.

They planted Cactus seeds in their new planters, and they started to grow, so the project was working very well.

The problem came once they were fully grown and it came time to take the planters home.  It was decided that they might not be the most apropriate thing for the children to arrive home with, and the Cactus plants were removed, to be replaced with a small Ivy.

The teacher said that the Cactus plants seemed the perfect choice at the beginning !

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THE PLANTERS

This is my family tree.  We all live in the same trailer park and are a very close family.  Mutual respect and sharing are amongst our main family values.

Hi there…this is me. Mom said I got all the good looks and no brains. I love being a babe hound. Girls make spit roll down my chin. I have a stomach problem and fart a lot.

This is my mom. She has lots of boyfriends. One of them has a job.  She says with a little luck I could be a garbage man one day.

This is my brother Hank. He is in jail right now.  When he gets out he is not allowed to be around animals and kitchen appliances.

My grandmom lives with us in our trailer. She smells real bad.  She likes to hang out in bars and drink beer. Grandma has sores all over and they leak yellow stuff on the furniture.  The flies are terrible.

My mom says she is almost positive this is my dad.  He lives in a Federal Penitentiary in Montana.  When he gets out in 55 years we are going fishing.

This is my dad’ s truck. The bloodstains inside are almost all gone.

My younger sister Jill lost all her teeth.  She was licking an eggbeater after mom made a cake and my cousin Jimmy turned it on by accident.

We are proud of my older brother Barney.  He is only 27 and all ready in the 4th grade.  He wants to be a doctor and can write his own name.

My half brother JimBob and his wife. She is a hottie.  They raise Possum in their back yard.  They are not allowed to have children.

This is my older sister Sue Ellen.  She has 15 kids and they all look different.  We depend on her welfare check to get by.  She has a disease that makes her itch.

Jethro is my 1st cousin. He runs a tomato stand down by the highway.  He once went 53 days without taking a bath.

This is Buck. He is my second cousin.  He is pretty smart.  Buck is going to be a dentist some day.  He does all the work on our teeth.

This is my sister’ s boyfriend for now.  His name is Garry.  He fixes lawn mowers in the city.  My sister says he has a hairy butt.

This is Michael.  He used to be my best friend but got killed by a bus on the interstate.  I still wear his underwear.

These are 2 kids we throw stuff at.  There used to be 3 of them.  Mom says we can’t throw heavy stuff any more.

My 1st cousin Jake holds the park record.  He once jumped over 7 trailers.  Jake crashed a lot and talks real slow now.  His doctor told him to wear a helmet.

My uncle Marky is still having problems.  He doesn’t know what he wants in life anymore.  He is a Vietnam War hero and now sells perfume at a department store.

This is my stepbrother Phil.  He had a hunting accident years ago.  The bullet is lodged just over his right ear.  It’s hard to understand him sometimes and he always stinks like rotten cheese.

This is our cousin Wayne who lives in England.

I was sent a link to this article, reproduced below

ACTUAL COLLEGE THEME PAPER - HEY I COULDN’T MAKE THIS UP

Remember the book “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus”?  Well, here’s a prime example offered by an English professor at an American University.

“Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story.  The process is simple.  Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right.  One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story.  The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story.  The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to reread what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking and anything you wish to say must be written on the paper. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.”

The following was actually turned in by two of my English students:

Rebecca (last name deleted) and Jim (last name deleted).

————————————————————
STORY:
(First paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn’t decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again.  So chamomile was out of the question.
—————————————————–
(Second paragraph by Jim)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. “A.S. Harris to Geostation 17, he said into his trans- galactic communicator.

“Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far…” But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship’s cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
———————————————————-
(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel,” Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed hurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. “Why must one lose one’s innocence to become a woman?” she pondered wistfully.
——————————————————–
(Jim)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live.  Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu’udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu’udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret Mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie and 85 million other Americans.  The President slammed his fist on the conference table. “We can’t allow this! I’m going to veto that treaty! Let’s blow ‘em out of the sky!”
———————————————————
(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature.  My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.
———————————————————-
(Jim)
Yeah? Well, you’re a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. “Oh shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F*CKING TEA??? Oh no, I’m such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels.”
———————————————————-
(Rebecca)
Asshole.
———————————————————-
(Jim)
Bitch.
———————————————————-
(Rebecca)
Wanker.
———————————————————-
(Jim)
slut.
———————————————————
(Rebecca)
Get f*cked.
———————————————————-
(Jim)
Eat shit.
——————————————————–
(Rebecca)
F*CK YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!
———————————————————-
(Jim)
Go drink some tea - whore.
——————————————————–
(Teacher)
A+    I really liked this one.

Very apt result we think

OK, received this today from my mate Phil.  It is a little more ‘adult’ in nature than some of our normal stuff, and might even manage to offend some of the anal-retentive people, but it is definitely too funny not to have it included in our collection………..

REDUNDANCY NOTICE

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the economy since last Christmas, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement.  This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPE’d can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).  Persons who have been RAPE’d or SHAFTed will be reviewed under the SCREW scheme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers).

A person may be RAPE’d once, SHAFTed twice and SCREWed as many times as Management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPE’d can only get AIDS  (Additional Income for Dependants or Spouses) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).  Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTed or SCREWed any further by management.

Persons staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible.  Management has always taken pride from the amount of SHIT it gives employees.  Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring it to the attention of the supervisor.  They have been  trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Have a good day.

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there’s nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Jeff.  Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Susie.

Since I retired several years ago, it has become necessary for Susie to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don’t yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table.

I generally have lunch in the Men’s Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I’m ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating.  But now it’s not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won’t clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take ‘em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement.  I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won’t have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn’t hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.  She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the garden. I try not to make a scene. I’m a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while.  And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Susie. I’m not saying that showing this much consideration is easy.  Many men will find it difficult.  Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile.  After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Sincerely, Jeff

EDITOR’S NOTE (especially for the ladies):

Jeff died suddenly on March 1 of a perforated rectum.

The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby.

His wife Susie was arrested and charged with murder.  The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that Jeff somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

John McCain lost the presidential election tonight. He made one of the best speeches of his career, gracious in defeat.

Privately though, he has told friends, he is glad as he can now concentrate on his one true love - football (well, he called it ’soccer’)

McCain feels that the time could not be better for his return to the first team, with Obama’s great victory clearing his diary, and with David Beckham practically on his way to Milan.

McCain said ‘Hell, who knows, I might even give up my seat on the senate and train twice a week!’

McCain’s one big regret, he confided in a friend, is that he forgot to thank all the good people of America who voted for ‘change’ - they have certainly brought that ‘change’ and laid it upon the doorstep of LA Galaxy.

Are LA Galaxy now gutsy enough to accept this great gift the nation of America has bestowed upon them, send that posh Englishman off to Italy, and accept their one true leader (well in footie terms anyway)?

A nice topical pic sent to me by email…

Some jokes especially for Haloween (don’t blame me, the original link is at the bottom)…

Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school?
- - - He was buttering up his teacher.

Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
- - - He’s all right now.

Have you seen Quasimodo?
- - - I have a hunch he’s back!

How can you tell that a vampire likes baseball?
- - - He turns into a bat every night.

How can you tell when a vampire has been in a bakery?
- - - All the jelly has been sucked out of the jelly doughnuts.

How did the ghost patch his sheet?
- - - With a pumpkin patch.

How does a girl vampire flirt?
- - - She bats her eyes.

What did the cannibal do when he saw an “All you can eat” restaurant?
- - - He had two waiters and a busboy.

What do ghosts and goblins drink on Halloween?
- - - Ghoul-aid.

What do ghosts put on top of an ice cream sundae?
- - - Whipped scream.

What do ghosts serve for dessert?
- - - I Scream.

What do sea monsters eat for lunch?
- - - Fish and ships.

What do witches put on their hair?
- - - Scare spray.

What do you call a little monster’s parents?
- - - Mummy and deady.

What do you call a monster with no neck?
- - - The Lost Neck Monster.

What do you call a witch who lives at the beach?
- - - A sand witch.

What do you get when you cross a black cat with a lemon.
- - - A sour-puss.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
- - - Frostbite.

What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
- - - Bamboo.

What do you give a skeleton for Valentine’s Day?
- - - Bone-bones in a heart shaped box.

What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog?
- - - He is mist.

What happens when a ghost haunts a theater?
- - - The actors get stage fright.

What instrument do skeletons play?
- - - Trom-BONE.

What is a cannibal’s favorite type of TV show?
- - - A celebrity roast.

What is a vampire’s favorite holiday?
- - - Fangsgiving.

What is as sharp as a vampires fang?
- - - His other fang.

What is Beethoven doing in his coffin right now?
- - - Decomposing.

What kind of makeup do ghosts wear?
- - - Mas-scare-a.

What kind of mistakes do spooks make?
- - - Boo boos.

What kind of music do ghosts listen to?
- - - Sheet music.

What kind of tie does a ghost wear to a formal party?
- - - A boo-tie.

What was the witches’ favorite subject in school?
- - - Spelling.

What’s a ghost’s favorite desert?
- - - Boo-berry pie.

What’s a monster’s favorite bean?
- - - A human bean.

What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire?
- - - It’s a pain in the neck.

Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
- - - Dayscare centers.

Where do most werewolves live?
- - - In Howllywood, California.

Where does a ghost go on vacation?
- - - Mali-boo.

Where does a one-armed man shop?
- - - At a second hand store.

Where does Dracula usually eat his lunch?
- - - At the casketeria.

Which building does Dracula visit in New York?
- - - The Vampire State Building.

Which songs does Dracula hate?
- - - “You Are My Sunshine” and “Sunshine on my Shoulders.”

Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
- - - His ghoul friend.

Who was the most famous French skeleton?
- - - Napoleon bone-apart.

Who was the most famous ghost detective?
- - - Sherlock Moans.

Who was the most famous skeleton detective?
- - - Sherlock Bones.

Who was the most famous witch detective?
- - - Warlock Holmes.

Why couldn’t Dracula’s wife get to sleep?
- - - Because of his coffin.

Why did the cannibal rush over to the cafeteria?
- - - He heard children were half price.

Why did the game warden arrest the ghost?
- - - He didn’t have a haunting license.

Why did the ghost go into the bar?
- - - For the boos.

Why did the vampire give his girlfriend a blood test?
- - - To see if she was his type.

Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
- - - He had no guts.

Why didn’t the skeleton dance at the party?
- - - He had no body to dance with.

Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
- - - Because demons are a ghoul’s best friend.

Why do mummies make excellent spies?
- - - They’re good at keeping things under wraps.

Why doesn’t anybody like Dracula?
- - - He has a bat temper.

Why don’t mummies take vacations?
- - - They’re afraid they’ll relax and unwind.

Why don’t witches like to ride their brooms when they’re angry?
- - - They’re afraid of flying off the handle!

Why wasn’t there any food left after the monster party?
- - - Because everyone was a goblin!

Why were there screams coming from the kitchen ?
- - - The cook was beating the eggs.

Source: http://www.chalo.net/halloween/jokes.html

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A funny story about a man shopping in Tesco’s, sent to me today.

“I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn’t because I’d ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV’s in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her in the queue.

Horrified, she asked if I’d ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned.

I told her no, it was because I’d been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Silly cow……….why else would I buy dog food?”

Many thanks to Phil for this story