Found Stuff

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there’s nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Jeff.  Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Susie.

Since I retired several years ago, it has become necessary for Susie to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don’t yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table.

I generally have lunch in the Men’s Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I’m ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating.  But now it’s not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won’t clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take ‘em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement.  I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won’t have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn’t hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.  She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the garden. I try not to make a scene. I’m a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while.  And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Susie. I’m not saying that showing this much consideration is easy.  Many men will find it difficult.  Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile.  After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Sincerely, Jeff

EDITOR’S NOTE (especially for the ladies):

Jeff died suddenly on March 1 of a perforated rectum.

The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby.

His wife Susie was arrested and charged with murder.  The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that Jeff somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

John McCain lost the presidential election tonight. He made one of the best speeches of his career, gracious in defeat.

Privately though, he has told friends, he is glad as he can now concentrate on his one true love - football (well, he called it ’soccer’)

McCain feels that the time could not be better for his return to the first team, with Obama’s great victory clearing his diary, and with David Beckham practically on his way to Milan.

McCain said ‘Hell, who knows, I might even give up my seat on the senate and train twice a week!’

McCain’s one big regret, he confided in a friend, is that he forgot to thank all the good people of America who voted for ‘change’ - they have certainly brought that ‘change’ and laid it upon the doorstep of LA Galaxy.

Are LA Galaxy now gutsy enough to accept this great gift the nation of America has bestowed upon them, send that posh Englishman off to Italy, and accept their one true leader (well in footie terms anyway)?

A nice topical pic sent to me by email…

Some jokes especially for Haloween (don’t blame me, the original link is at the bottom)…

Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school?
- - - He was buttering up his teacher.

Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
- - - He’s all right now.

Have you seen Quasimodo?
- - - I have a hunch he’s back!

How can you tell that a vampire likes baseball?
- - - He turns into a bat every night.

How can you tell when a vampire has been in a bakery?
- - - All the jelly has been sucked out of the jelly doughnuts.

How did the ghost patch his sheet?
- - - With a pumpkin patch.

How does a girl vampire flirt?
- - - She bats her eyes.

What did the cannibal do when he saw an “All you can eat” restaurant?
- - - He had two waiters and a busboy.

What do ghosts and goblins drink on Halloween?
- - - Ghoul-aid.

What do ghosts put on top of an ice cream sundae?
- - - Whipped scream.

What do ghosts serve for dessert?
- - - I Scream.

What do sea monsters eat for lunch?
- - - Fish and ships.

What do witches put on their hair?
- - - Scare spray.

What do you call a little monster’s parents?
- - - Mummy and deady.

What do you call a monster with no neck?
- - - The Lost Neck Monster.

What do you call a witch who lives at the beach?
- - - A sand witch.

What do you get when you cross a black cat with a lemon.
- - - A sour-puss.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
- - - Frostbite.

What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
- - - Bamboo.

What do you give a skeleton for Valentine’s Day?
- - - Bone-bones in a heart shaped box.

What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog?
- - - He is mist.

What happens when a ghost haunts a theater?
- - - The actors get stage fright.

What instrument do skeletons play?
- - - Trom-BONE.

What is a cannibal’s favorite type of TV show?
- - - A celebrity roast.

What is a vampire’s favorite holiday?
- - - Fangsgiving.

What is as sharp as a vampires fang?
- - - His other fang.

What is Beethoven doing in his coffin right now?
- - - Decomposing.

What kind of makeup do ghosts wear?
- - - Mas-scare-a.

What kind of mistakes do spooks make?
- - - Boo boos.

What kind of music do ghosts listen to?
- - - Sheet music.

What kind of tie does a ghost wear to a formal party?
- - - A boo-tie.

What was the witches’ favorite subject in school?
- - - Spelling.

What’s a ghost’s favorite desert?
- - - Boo-berry pie.

What’s a monster’s favorite bean?
- - - A human bean.

What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire?
- - - It’s a pain in the neck.

Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
- - - Dayscare centers.

Where do most werewolves live?
- - - In Howllywood, California.

Where does a ghost go on vacation?
- - - Mali-boo.

Where does a one-armed man shop?
- - - At a second hand store.

Where does Dracula usually eat his lunch?
- - - At the casketeria.

Which building does Dracula visit in New York?
- - - The Vampire State Building.

Which songs does Dracula hate?
- - - “You Are My Sunshine” and “Sunshine on my Shoulders.”

Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
- - - His ghoul friend.

Who was the most famous French skeleton?
- - - Napoleon bone-apart.

Who was the most famous ghost detective?
- - - Sherlock Moans.

Who was the most famous skeleton detective?
- - - Sherlock Bones.

Who was the most famous witch detective?
- - - Warlock Holmes.

Why couldn’t Dracula’s wife get to sleep?
- - - Because of his coffin.

Why did the cannibal rush over to the cafeteria?
- - - He heard children were half price.

Why did the game warden arrest the ghost?
- - - He didn’t have a haunting license.

Why did the ghost go into the bar?
- - - For the boos.

Why did the vampire give his girlfriend a blood test?
- - - To see if she was his type.

Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
- - - He had no guts.

Why didn’t the skeleton dance at the party?
- - - He had no body to dance with.

Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
- - - Because demons are a ghoul’s best friend.

Why do mummies make excellent spies?
- - - They’re good at keeping things under wraps.

Why doesn’t anybody like Dracula?
- - - He has a bat temper.

Why don’t mummies take vacations?
- - - They’re afraid they’ll relax and unwind.

Why don’t witches like to ride their brooms when they’re angry?
- - - They’re afraid of flying off the handle!

Why wasn’t there any food left after the monster party?
- - - Because everyone was a goblin!

Why were there screams coming from the kitchen ?
- - - The cook was beating the eggs.

Source: http://www.chalo.net/halloween/jokes.html

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A funny story about a man shopping in Tesco’s, sent to me today.

“I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn’t because I’d ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV’s in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her in the queue.

Horrified, she asked if I’d ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned.

I told her no, it was because I’d been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Silly cow……….why else would I buy dog food?”

Many thanks to Phil for this story

A new two-year degree is being offered at the Central Queensland University that many people should be interested in:

Becoming a Real Man. That’s right, in just six mini-semesters, you too can be a real man as well as earn an MA degree (Male Arts).

Program outline

Year 1

Autumn Schedule:

• MEN 101: Combating Stupidity
• MEN 102: You too can do house work
• MEN 103: PMS - learn to keep your mouth shut
• MEN 104: We do not want sleazy under garments for Christmas

Winter Schedule:

• MEN 110: Wonderful laundry techniques
• MEN 111: Understanding the female response to getting in at 4am
• MEN 112: Parenting - It doesn’t end with conception
• EAT 100: Get a life - Learn to cook
• EAT 101: Get a life - Learn to cook II
• ECON 001A: What is hers is hers

Spring Schedule:

• MEN 120: How not to act like an arse when you’re wrong
• MEN 121: Understanding your incompetence
• MEN 122: You - the weaker sex
• MEN 123: Reasons to give flowers
• ECON 001C: What was yours is hers

YEAR 2

Autumn Schedule:

• SE#X 101: You can fall asleep without it
• SE#X 102: Morning dilemna - If it’s awake, take a shower
• SE#X 103: How to stay awake after sex
• MEN 201: How to put the toilet seat down
• Elective (see list below)

Winter Schedule:

• MEN 210: The remote control - overcoming your dependency
• MEN 211: How not to act younger than your children
• MEN 212: You too can be a designated driver
• MEN 213: Honest, you don’t look like Brad Pitt
• MEN 230A: Her birthday & anniversaries are important

Spring Schedule:

• MEN 220: Omitting %&*!@ from your vocabulary (Pass/Fail only)
• MEN 221: Fluffing the blanket after farting is not necessary
• MEN 222: Real men ask for directions
• MEN 223: Thirty minutes of begging is not considered foreplay
• MEN 230B: Her birthday and anniversaries are important II

Course Electives:

• EAT 102: Cooking with Tofu
• EAT 103: Utilisation of Eating Utensils
• EAT 104: Burping and belching discreetly
• MEN 231: Mothers-in-law
• MEN 232: Appear to be listening
• MEN 233: Just say ‘yes dear’
• ECON 001B: Cheaper to keep her

PDF available HERE

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In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God’s bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said, ‘You want hot fudge with that? And Man said, ‘Yes!’ And Woman said, ‘I’ll have one too with chocolate chips’. And lo they gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthy yoghurt that woman might keep the figure that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.

So God said, ‘Try my fresh green salad’. And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said ‘I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them’.

And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter, and Man’s cholesterol went through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato; naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.

Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds.

God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds.

And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.

Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.

And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger. Then Satan said ‘You want fries with that?’ and Man replied, ‘Yes, and super size ‘em’. And Satan said, ‘It is good.’ And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed

…and created quadruple by-pass surgery.

And then Satan chuckled

…and created the National Health Service.

THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION

After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here’s the final word on nutrition and health.:

• Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
• Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
• Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
• Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
• Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
• The French eat foie-gras, full fat cheese and drink red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what does it.

The top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: ‘This is Gregorieva from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.’
2. Dressage commentator: ‘This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.’
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: ‘I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.’
4. Boxing Analyst: ‘Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.’
5. Softball announcer: ‘If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.’
6. Basketball analyst: ‘He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn’t like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.’
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: ‘Ah, isn’t that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.’
8. Soccer commentator: ‘Julian Dicks is everywhere. It’s like they’ve got eleven Dicks on the field.’
9. Tennis commentator: ‘One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them… Oh my God, what have I just said?’

Many thanks to Dawg for sharing his funnies

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This link was posted by a member of The Dropshipforum, and is an extremely funny ebay listing, posted by a scorned woman with a sense of humour. The link itself will stop working eventually, as it works its way through ebay’s archive, but we have included a screen shot below, as well as a full PDF print of the listing (5 pages of pure comedy).

The story seems to be that she has caught her husband out cheating with another ‘woman’, and has offered the other woman’s knickers, plus an empty condom packet - all apparently taken from her marital bed - up for sale on ebay. Ebay have told her she cannot sell 2nd hand clothing on their site, so she has then amended the listing to a photo of said knickers, rather than the real thing.

You have to read the pdf printout, as the whole story in its gory detail is there for all to see.

Link to ebay listing HERE

Link to Full PDF Print of Listing HERE

A screenshot of her ebay listing:

Oh how the internet has changed the whole ‘revenge’ thing

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This is what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or boyfriend along shopping………

This excerpt is from a letter recently sent by Tesco’s Head Office to a customer in Oxford:

Dear Mrs. Murray,

While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.

Below is a list of offences over the past few months, all verified by our surveillance cameras:

• June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s trolleys when they weren’t looking.
• July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
• July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.
• July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, “Code 3″ in housewares….. and watched what happened.
• August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION - WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
• September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.
• September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?”
• October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.
• November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the anti-depressants were.
• December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the “Mission Impossible” theme.
• December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the “Madonna look” using different size funnels.
• December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled “PICK ME! PICK ME!”
• December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed “NO! NO! It’s those voices again.”

And last, but not least:

• December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, “There is no toilet paper in here.”

Note - we know this is not a real letter, let’s face it can you imagine Tesco’s sending a letter like that in the first place.  This is actually a derivative from an old humorous article doing the rounds of the internet since 1997, going by Snopes.com anyway.

“To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

This guy is out ! and as for this guy….!

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

(You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary)

1) Look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2) The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour’, ‘favour’, ‘labour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise’. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up ‘vocabulary’).

3) Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ‘like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let M*crosoft know on your behalf. The M*crosoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of -ize.

4) July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5) You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not ready to shoot grouse. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6) All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side of the road with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7) The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

8.) You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

9) The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10) Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.

11) You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body Armour like a bunch of nancies). Don’t try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

12) Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

13) You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.

14) An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

15) Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!”

Please take this the way the author meant it - a joke !! If you cannot laugh at yourselves, and maybe at us lot too, then go somewhere else !!

To be fair to our American cousins, we are currently looking for Anti-UK jokes you may have, so feel free to email them to us (details in our About Us page), or simply post them here in the comments. When we have a decent collection - we’ll post them up to redress the balance.