Found Stuff

Paddy and Mick are on holiday in Ibiza for a fortnight, but are bored after 4 days. They have boozed quite heavily for the 4 days, and are sitting by the pool chatting.

Paddy: “Mick, I’m bored, let’s go do something.”

Mick: “What like Paddy?”

Both put their thinking caps on, drink for another hour in silence, then Mick has a brainstorm…

Mick: “I know Paddy, let’s invade Russia.”

Paddy agrees, and they waste no time going to the nearest telephone to call them up. After arguing for ten minutes with the hotel receptionist, she gets them the number for the Kremlin, and off they go.

Mick telephones them, as he has been elected spokesperson…

Mick: “Hello, is that Russia?”

Russian: “Yes, dis is de Kremlin, can I help you?”

Mick: ” It’s Mick & Paddy here, we just wanted to give you warning that we are going to invade you this weekend.”

Russian: “And why would that be sir?”

Mick: “We’re bored here on holiday, and you were what we came up with.”

Russian: “Mick, do you realise that we are Russia, a mighty world superpower?”

Mick: “Yes, but we do not care, we are going to invade anyway.”

Russian: “Do you realise that we have 7000 tanks in our armoury, plus hundreds of Armoured Cars. Do you have any tanks Mick?”

Mick: “Nope, no tanks, but we do have an ex-RUC landrover that we bought at an auction lately. We don’t care anyway, we are still gonna invade.”

Russian: “Well, what about Air Support - do you have any aircraft? We have 2000 fighter planes, 150 Attack Helicopters, 150 Bombers, plus numerous stealth aircraft I do not care to discuss. Are you sure that you still want to invade?”

Mick: “Yes definitely, we don’t care about that.”

Russian: “Mick, we have 4 Aircraft Carriers, 25 Destroyers, several small gunships, plus 6 nuclear sub-marines. Do you have any Naval power?”

Mick: “Well, apart from a 12-foot punt Paddy has at home, we do not. We don’t care about that, we are still coming to invade, we are bored.”

Russian: “Mick, we have 650,000 ground troops, how many do you have?”

Mick: “Well there is really only me and Paddy to be honest, but I’m sure if we phoned home, we could come up with a few more blokes.” Mick pauses for a moment, then says, “Can you hang on a moment, whilst I discuss this again with Paddy?”

The Russian thinks that Mick has finally seen sense, so he waits a moment, quite satisfied he has scared the man off. He can hear a heated discussion going on in the background between the two drunken Irishmen.

Mick: “Uh, we have decided that we might not actually invade after all.”

Russian: “Oh, we have scared you off. Was it our superior Airpower that scared you away?”

Mick: “Nope.”

Russian: “Maybe it was our superior Navy?”

Mick: “Nope.”

Russian: “Then it must have been our tanks and armoured cars?”

Mick: “Nope.”

Russian: “So you finally thought about our sheer numbers of troops, and this scared you off?”

Mick: “Nope. To be honest, we discussed it and decided we wouldn’t bother.”

Russian: “Might I ask why then?”

Mick: “Yes, we had no idea what the hell we were gonna do with all the prisoners!”

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Four married guys go golfing.

During the 4th hole the following conversation took place:

First Guy: ‘You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.’

Second Guy: ‘That’s nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.’

Third Guy: ‘Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.’

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word.

So they ask him, ‘You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What’s the deal?’

Fourth guy: ‘I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it went off, I gave the wife a slap on the ass and said: ‘Golf course or intercourse?’ She said: ‘Wear sun-block.’

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The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. ‘Just how do you guys do it?’ asks Maureen.

The Martian responds, ‘Pretty much the way you do.’

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He’s got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.

‘I don’t think this is going to work,’ says Maureen.

‘Why?’ he asks, ‘What’s the matter?’

‘Well,’ she replies, ‘it’s just not long enough to reach me!’

‘No problem,’ he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it’s quite impressively long.

‘Well,’ she says, ‘that’s quite impressive, but it is still narrow.’

‘No problem,’ he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

‘Wow!’ she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Mike asks, ‘Well, was it any good?’

‘I hate to say it,’ says Maureen, ‘but it was wonderful. How about you?’

‘It was horrible,’ he replied, ‘All I got was a headache . She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.’

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, ‘So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?’

The Lone Ranger responds, ‘I’d like to speak to my horse.’

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver’s ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger’s Tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he’s impressed. ‘You have very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?’

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse’s ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief’s surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger’s tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. ‘You are indeed a man of many talents, but I still kill you tomorrow. ‘What is your last request?’

The Lone Ranger responds,’ I’d like to speak to my horse…..ALONE.’

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger’s tent.

Once they’re alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eyes and says: ‘Listen very carefully, you dickhead, for the last time………….BRING POSSE!!!!’

A few quick jokes we have been sent this week

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Wife gets naked & asks hubby, ‘What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?’

Hubby looks her up & down and replies, ‘Your sense of humour!’

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A married couple are lying in bed.

The man says “I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world”

The woman replies “…I’ll miss you…”

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Jack stepped out of the shower, and says to his wife..

“Honey, it is just too hot today to wear clothes. What do you think the neighbours would say if they saw me mowing the lawn like this?”

Jack’s wife replies “Probably that I married you for your money”

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