Found Stuff

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

“I don’t want to know,” the child said, bursting into tears. “Promise me you won’t tell me.”

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed “When I was six, I got the ‘there’s no Easter Bunny’ speech.

At seven, I got the ‘there’s no Tooth Fairy’ speech.

When I was eight, you hit me with the ‘there’s no Santa’ speech.

If you’re going to tell me that grownups don’t really get laid, I’ll have nothing left to live for.”

OK, taking the mickey out of our fellow countrymen, but we’re allowed to

Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster! Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!!

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A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he’d like a drink

He replied in disgust ‘I’d rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!’

Paddy handed his drink back & said ‘Me too, I didn’t know we had a choice!’

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Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight

The operator asks ‘How many people are flying with you?’

Paddy replies ‘I dont know! Its your f***ing plane!!’

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Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site.

Paddy says to Murphy ‘Im gonna have the day off, Im gonna pretend Im mad!’

He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down & shouts ‘I’M A LIGHTBULB! I’M A LIGHTBULB!’

Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts ‘Paddy you’re mad, go home’ So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

‘Where the hell are you going?’ asks the Foreman.

‘I cant work in the friggin dark!’ says Murphy.

Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.

After 3 hours of amazing sex Paddy says ‘I wonder how the girls are getting on’

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Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.

She undresses & lies on the bed spreadeagled & says ‘You know what I want dont you?’

‘Yeah,’ says Paddy. ‘The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!’

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Q. Whats a Catholic priest & a pint of Guiness got in common?
A. A black coat, white collar & you’ve got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!

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Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair.

He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

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Paddy’s chat up lines:

• Did ya fart? ‘Cos ya just blew me away!
• Are your parents retarded? ‘Cos your special!
• My love for you is like diarrhoea. I just cant hold it in!
• Is there a mirror in your knickers? ‘Cos I can see myself in them!
• Your body reminds me of a spanner. Evertime I think of you my nuts tighten up!
• You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only a light switch away!

Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman who’s head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her.

A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said ‘I dont think thats her, she wasn’t that tall!’

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Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbours dog is barking like mad in the garden.

Paddy says ‘To hell with this!’ & storms off.

He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks ‘What did you do?’

Paddy replies ‘Ive put the dog in our garden, let’s see how they like it!’

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An Irishman is shagging a Jewish girl & says ‘You’re not very tight for a Jew!’

She says ‘Well you’re not very thick for a Paddy!’

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Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.

‘Be Jeysus!’ he said, ‘I didnt even know they had mobile phones!’

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Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.

Mick says ‘Crikey! Theres a bloke here who was 152!’

Paddy says ‘Whats his name?’

Mick replies ‘Miles from London !’

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An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay.

Paddy drives past & stops.

He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts ‘Its thick c**ts like you that give us Irish a bad name! I’d come over there & kick the f**k out of you if I could swim!’

No Irishmen or any others were hurt in the making of this selection of Irish Jokes, so please take no offence

Tom had been in Police work for 25 years.

Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door.

He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

‘Name’s Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00…’

‘Great’, says Tom, ‘after six months out here I’m ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.’

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. ‘Gotta warn you. Be some drinking’.

‘Not a problem’ says Tom. ‘After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of ‘em’.

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. ‘More ‘n’ likely gonna be some fighting’ too.’

‘Well, I get along with people, I’ll be all right! I’ll be there. Thanks again.’

‘More’n likely be some wild sex, too,’

‘Now that’s really not a problem’ says Tom, warming to the idea. ‘I’ve been all alone for six months! I’ll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?’

‘Don’t much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.’

Three recently married men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives a list of duties.

The first man had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his wife she needed to do all the dishes and housework. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Canada. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Belfast girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, laundry and ironing twice a week, lawns mowed, windows cleaned and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn’t see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a handyman.

Moral: Don’t mess with the Belfast women

This morning I received a phone call from a gorgeous former girlfriend who called ‘out of the blue’ to see if I was still around.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.

I couldn’t believe it when she asked if I’d be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little bit of that ‘old magic’.

I was flabbergasted.

“I don’t know if I could keep pace with you now,” I said, “I’m a bit older and a bit grayer and a bit balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don’t really have the energy I used to have.” She just giggled and said she was sure I would rise to the challenge.

“Yeah,” I said, “Just so long as you don’t mind a man with a waistline that’s a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my lack of muscle and tone, with stuff sagging, my teeth not as white and my jowls like a Great Dane!”

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me, saying that tubby, grey haired older men were cute, and she was sure that I would still be a great lover.

Then she giggled, “I’ve put on quite a bit of weight myself!”

So I told her to rack off and hung up.

Paddy and Mick are on holiday in Ibiza for a fortnight, but are bored after 4 days. They have boozed quite heavily for the 4 days, and are sitting by the pool chatting.

Paddy: “Mick, I’m bored, let’s go do something.”

Mick: “What like Paddy?”

Both put their thinking caps on, drink for another hour in silence, then Mick has a brainstorm…

Mick: “I know Paddy, let’s invade Russia.”

Paddy agrees, and they waste no time going to the nearest telephone to call them up. After arguing for ten minutes with the hotel receptionist, she gets them the number for the Kremlin, and off they go.

Mick telephones them, as he has been elected spokesperson…

Mick: “Hello, is that Russia?”

Russian: “Yes, dis is de Kremlin, can I help you?”

Mick: ” It’s Mick & Paddy here, we just wanted to give you warning that we are going to invade you this weekend.”

Russian: “And why would that be sir?”

Mick: “We’re bored here on holiday, and you were what we came up with.”

Russian: “Mick, do you realise that we are Russia, a mighty world superpower?”

Mick: “Yes, but we do not care, we are going to invade anyway.”

Russian: “Do you realise that we have 7000 tanks in our armoury, plus hundreds of Armoured Cars. Do you have any tanks Mick?”

Mick: “Nope, no tanks, but we do have an ex-RUC landrover that we bought at an auction lately. We don’t care anyway, we are still gonna invade.”

Russian: “Well, what about Air Support - do you have any aircraft? We have 2000 fighter planes, 150 Attack Helicopters, 150 Bombers, plus numerous stealth aircraft I do not care to discuss. Are you sure that you still want to invade?”

Mick: “Yes definitely, we don’t care about that.”

Russian: “Mick, we have 4 Aircraft Carriers, 25 Destroyers, several small gunships, plus 6 nuclear sub-marines. Do you have any Naval power?”

Mick: “Well, apart from a 12-foot punt Paddy has at home, we do not. We don’t care about that, we are still coming to invade, we are bored.”

Russian: “Mick, we have 650,000 ground troops, how many do you have?”

Mick: “Well there is really only me and Paddy to be honest, but I’m sure if we phoned home, we could come up with a few more blokes.” Mick pauses for a moment, then says, “Can you hang on a moment, whilst I discuss this again with Paddy?”

The Russian thinks that Mick has finally seen sense, so he waits a moment, quite satisfied he has scared the man off. He can hear a heated discussion going on in the background between the two drunken Irishmen.

Mick: “Uh, we have decided that we might not actually invade after all.”

Russian: “Oh, we have scared you off. Was it our superior Airpower that scared you away?”

Mick: “Nope.”

Russian: “Maybe it was our superior Navy?”

Mick: “Nope.”

Russian: “Then it must have been our tanks and armoured cars?”

Mick: “Nope.”

Russian: “So you finally thought about our sheer numbers of troops, and this scared you off?”

Mick: “Nope. To be honest, we discussed it and decided we wouldn’t bother.”

Russian: “Might I ask why then?”

Mick: “Yes, we had no idea what the hell we were gonna do with all the prisoners!”

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Four married guys go golfing.

During the 4th hole the following conversation took place:

First Guy: ‘You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.’

Second Guy: ‘That’s nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.’

Third Guy: ‘Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.’

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word.

So they ask him, ‘You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What’s the deal?’

Fourth guy: ‘I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it went off, I gave the wife a slap on the ass and said: ‘Golf course or intercourse?’ She said: ‘Wear sun-block.’

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The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. ‘Just how do you guys do it?’ asks Maureen.

The Martian responds, ‘Pretty much the way you do.’

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He’s got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.

‘I don’t think this is going to work,’ says Maureen.

‘Why?’ he asks, ‘What’s the matter?’

‘Well,’ she replies, ‘it’s just not long enough to reach me!’

‘No problem,’ he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it’s quite impressively long.

‘Well,’ she says, ‘that’s quite impressive, but it is still narrow.’

‘No problem,’ he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

‘Wow!’ she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Mike asks, ‘Well, was it any good?’

‘I hate to say it,’ says Maureen, ‘but it was wonderful. How about you?’

‘It was horrible,’ he replied, ‘All I got was a headache . She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.’

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, ‘So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?’

The Lone Ranger responds, ‘I’d like to speak to my horse.’

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver’s ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger’s Tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he’s impressed. ‘You have very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?’

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse’s ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief’s surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger’s tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. ‘You are indeed a man of many talents, but I still kill you tomorrow. ‘What is your last request?’

The Lone Ranger responds,’ I’d like to speak to my horse…..ALONE.’

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger’s tent.

Once they’re alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eyes and says: ‘Listen very carefully, you dickhead, for the last time………….BRING POSSE!!!!’

A few quick jokes we have been sent this week

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Wife gets naked & asks hubby, ‘What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?’

Hubby looks her up & down and replies, ‘Your sense of humour!’

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