Found Stuff

Three little ducks walk into a bar….

The Barman asks the 1st little duck, “Say, what’s your name?”

“Huey”, replies the little duck.

“How has your day been Huey?” asks the barman.

“Great.  Lovely day.  I had a ball.  Been in and out of Puddles all day.  What else could a duck want?”

“Oh that’s nice”, said the Barman, and he turned to the 2nd little duck, “What’s your name?”

“Dewey”, replies the 2nd little duck.

“So how’s your day been Dewey?” asks the Barman.

“Great thanks.  Lovely day.  I had a ball too.  Been in and out of Puddles all day myself.  What more could a duck want?”

The Barman turns to the 3rd little duck and says, “I suppose you must be Louie then?”

…

…

…

…

“No”, she replies, batting her eyelashes, “My name is Puddles…”

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An American tourist goes on a trip to China.

Whilst in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple bumps.  Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like it before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days.

The man returns in a couple of days, and the doctor says “I have some bad news.  You’ve contracted Mongolian VD.  It’s very rare and almost unheard of here,  we know very little about it”.

The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well give me a shot or something and fix me up doc”.

The doctor answers, “Sorry, there is no known cure.  We are going to have to amputate your penis”.

The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not!  I want a second opinion!”

The doctor replies, “Well, it’s your choice.  Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice”.

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The next day the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring he will know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, “Ah yes, Mongolian VD, Vely lare disease”.

The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do?  My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!”

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, “Stupid American docta, always want to opelate.  Make more money that way…… No need to opelate!”

“Oh, thank god”, the man replies.

“Yes”, says the Chinese Doctor, “You no worry.  Wait two weeks, fall off by itself.  You save money!”

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 year old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, “All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now. because this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train cause we’re going down the tracks.

The horrified mother went in and told her son, “We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now, I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language!”

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say. “All passengers, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon!”

She heard her little darling continue. “For those of you just boarding, remember there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.”

As the mother began to smile, the child added, “For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.”

Excellent advice from our friends over at GRD Credit Control Services, thanks

The story

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever ‘Eastern European’ scam while out shopping.

Simply dropping into my local supermarket for a bit of shopping has turned out to be quite traumatic.

Don’t be naive enough to think it couldn’t happen to you or your friends.

Here’s how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking voluptuous 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning your windscreen, their large firm young breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It’s impossible not to look especially with all the rain we have been having.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they’ll say “No” and instead ask you for a lift to another store, in my case, Morrisons in Fishponds. You agree and they both get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing and both get completely naked. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet!

I had my wallet stolen May 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, and 29th. Also June 1st, 4th, twice on the 6th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this coming weekend.

So be warned!

Geoff

P.S. Lidl have wallets on sale for £1.99 each, Aldi are £1.75 and look nicer.

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second one about 50 feet behind the first. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.

The man couldn’t stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, ‘I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?’

‘My wife’s.’

‘What happened to her?’

The man replied, ‘My dog attacked and killed her.’

He inquired further, ‘But who is in the second hearse?’

The man answered, ‘My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when
the dog turned on her.’

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

‘Can I borrow the dog?’

The man replied, ‘Get in line.

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

“I don’t want to know,” the child said, bursting into tears. “Promise me you won’t tell me.”

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed “When I was six, I got the ‘there’s no Easter Bunny’ speech.

At seven, I got the ‘there’s no Tooth Fairy’ speech.

When I was eight, you hit me with the ‘there’s no Santa’ speech.

If you’re going to tell me that grownups don’t really get laid, I’ll have nothing left to live for.”

OK, taking the mickey out of our fellow countrymen, but we’re allowed to

Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster! Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!!

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A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he’d like a drink

He replied in disgust ‘I’d rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!’

Paddy handed his drink back & said ‘Me too, I didn’t know we had a choice!’

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Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight

The operator asks ‘How many people are flying with you?’

Paddy replies ‘I dont know! Its your f***ing plane!!’

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Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site.

Paddy says to Murphy ‘Im gonna have the day off, Im gonna pretend Im mad!’

He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down & shouts ‘I’M A LIGHTBULB! I’M A LIGHTBULB!’

Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts ‘Paddy you’re mad, go home’ So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

‘Where the hell are you going?’ asks the Foreman.

‘I cant work in the friggin dark!’ says Murphy.

Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.

After 3 hours of amazing sex Paddy says ‘I wonder how the girls are getting on’

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Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.

She undresses & lies on the bed spreadeagled & says ‘You know what I want dont you?’

‘Yeah,’ says Paddy. ‘The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!’

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Q. Whats a Catholic priest & a pint of Guiness got in common?
A. A black coat, white collar & you’ve got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!

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Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair.

He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

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Paddy’s chat up lines:

• Did ya fart? ‘Cos ya just blew me away!
• Are your parents retarded? ‘Cos your special!
• My love for you is like diarrhoea. I just cant hold it in!
• Is there a mirror in your knickers? ‘Cos I can see myself in them!
• Your body reminds me of a spanner. Evertime I think of you my nuts tighten up!
• You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only a light switch away!

Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman who’s head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her.

A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said ‘I dont think thats her, she wasn’t that tall!’

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Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbours dog is barking like mad in the garden.

Paddy says ‘To hell with this!’ & storms off.

He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks ‘What did you do?’

Paddy replies ‘Ive put the dog in our garden, let’s see how they like it!’

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An Irishman is shagging a Jewish girl & says ‘You’re not very tight for a Jew!’

She says ‘Well you’re not very thick for a Paddy!’

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Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.

‘Be Jeysus!’ he said, ‘I didnt even know they had mobile phones!’

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Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.

Mick says ‘Crikey! Theres a bloke here who was 152!’

Paddy says ‘Whats his name?’

Mick replies ‘Miles from London !’

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An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay.

Paddy drives past & stops.

He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts ‘Its thick c**ts like you that give us Irish a bad name! I’d come over there & kick the f**k out of you if I could swim!’

No Irishmen or any others were hurt in the making of this selection of Irish Jokes, so please take no offence

Tom had been in Police work for 25 years.

Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door.

He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

‘Name’s Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00…’

‘Great’, says Tom, ‘after six months out here I’m ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.’

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. ‘Gotta warn you. Be some drinking’.

‘Not a problem’ says Tom. ‘After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of ‘em’.

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. ‘More ‘n’ likely gonna be some fighting’ too.’

‘Well, I get along with people, I’ll be all right! I’ll be there. Thanks again.’

‘More’n likely be some wild sex, too,’

‘Now that’s really not a problem’ says Tom, warming to the idea. ‘I’ve been all alone for six months! I’ll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?’

‘Don’t much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.’

Three recently married men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives a list of duties.

The first man had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his wife she needed to do all the dishes and housework. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Canada. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Belfast girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, laundry and ironing twice a week, lawns mowed, windows cleaned and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn’t see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a handyman.

Moral: Don’t mess with the Belfast women

This morning I received a phone call from a gorgeous former girlfriend who called ‘out of the blue’ to see if I was still around.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.

I couldn’t believe it when she asked if I’d be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little bit of that ‘old magic’.

I was flabbergasted.

“I don’t know if I could keep pace with you now,” I said, “I’m a bit older and a bit grayer and a bit balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don’t really have the energy I used to have.” She just giggled and said she was sure I would rise to the challenge.

“Yeah,” I said, “Just so long as you don’t mind a man with a waistline that’s a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my lack of muscle and tone, with stuff sagging, my teeth not as white and my jowls like a Great Dane!”

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me, saying that tubby, grey haired older men were cute, and she was sure that I would still be a great lover.

Then she giggled, “I’ve put on quite a bit of weight myself!”

So I told her to rack off and hung up.