Found Stuff

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

“I don’t want to know,” the child said, bursting into tears. “Promise me you won’t tell me.”

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed “When I was six, I got the ‘there’s no Easter Bunny’ speech.

At seven, I got the ‘there’s no Tooth Fairy’ speech.

When I was eight, you hit me with the ‘there’s no Santa’ speech.

If you’re going to tell me that grownups don’t really get laid, I’ll have nothing left to live for.”

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there’s nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Jeff.  Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Susie.

Since I retired several years ago, it has become necessary for Susie to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don’t yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table.

I generally have lunch in the Men’s Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I’m ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating.  But now it’s not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won’t clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take ‘em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement.  I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won’t have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn’t hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.  She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the garden. I try not to make a scene. I’m a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while.  And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Susie. I’m not saying that showing this much consideration is easy.  Many men will find it difficult.  Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile.  After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Sincerely, Jeff

EDITOR’S NOTE (especially for the ladies):

Jeff died suddenly on March 1 of a perforated rectum.

The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby.

His wife Susie was arrested and charged with murder.  The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that Jeff somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

OK, taking the mickey out of our fellow countrymen, but we’re allowed to

Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster! Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!!

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A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he’d like a drink

He replied in disgust ‘I’d rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!’

Paddy handed his drink back & said ‘Me too, I didn’t know we had a choice!’

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Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight

The operator asks ‘How many people are flying with you?’

Paddy replies ‘I dont know! Its your f***ing plane!!’

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Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site.

Paddy says to Murphy ‘Im gonna have the day off, Im gonna pretend Im mad!’

He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down & shouts ‘I’M A LIGHTBULB! I’M A LIGHTBULB!’

Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts ‘Paddy you’re mad, go home’ So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

‘Where the hell are you going?’ asks the Foreman.

‘I cant work in the friggin dark!’ says Murphy.

Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.

After 3 hours of amazing sex Paddy says ‘I wonder how the girls are getting on’

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Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.

She undresses & lies on the bed spreadeagled & says ‘You know what I want dont you?’

‘Yeah,’ says Paddy. ‘The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!’

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Q. Whats a Catholic priest & a pint of Guiness got in common?
A. A black coat, white collar & you’ve got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!

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Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair.

He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

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Paddy’s chat up lines:

• Did ya fart? ‘Cos ya just blew me away!
• Are your parents retarded? ‘Cos your special!
• My love for you is like diarrhoea. I just cant hold it in!
• Is there a mirror in your knickers? ‘Cos I can see myself in them!
• Your body reminds me of a spanner. Evertime I think of you my nuts tighten up!
• You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only a light switch away!

Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman who’s head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her.

A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said ‘I dont think thats her, she wasn’t that tall!’

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Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbours dog is barking like mad in the garden.

Paddy says ‘To hell with this!’ & storms off.

He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks ‘What did you do?’

Paddy replies ‘Ive put the dog in our garden, let’s see how they like it!’

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An Irishman is shagging a Jewish girl & says ‘You’re not very tight for a Jew!’

She says ‘Well you’re not very thick for a Paddy!’

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Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.

‘Be Jeysus!’ he said, ‘I didnt even know they had mobile phones!’

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Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.

Mick says ‘Crikey! Theres a bloke here who was 152!’

Paddy says ‘Whats his name?’

Mick replies ‘Miles from London !’

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An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay.

Paddy drives past & stops.

He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts ‘Its thick c**ts like you that give us Irish a bad name! I’d come over there & kick the f**k out of you if I could swim!’

No Irishmen or any others were hurt in the making of this selection of Irish Jokes, so please take no offence

Tom had been in Police work for 25 years.

Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door.

He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

‘Name’s Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00…’

‘Great’, says Tom, ‘after six months out here I’m ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.’

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. ‘Gotta warn you. Be some drinking’.

‘Not a problem’ says Tom. ‘After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of ‘em’.

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. ‘More ‘n’ likely gonna be some fighting’ too.’

‘Well, I get along with people, I’ll be all right! I’ll be there. Thanks again.’

‘More’n likely be some wild sex, too,’

‘Now that’s really not a problem’ says Tom, warming to the idea. ‘I’ve been all alone for six months! I’ll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?’

‘Don’t much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.’

The expression on this dog’s face is priceless…

John McCain lost the presidential election tonight. He made one of the best speeches of his career, gracious in defeat.

Privately though, he has told friends, he is glad as he can now concentrate on his one true love - football (well, he called it ’soccer’)

McCain feels that the time could not be better for his return to the first team, with Obama’s great victory clearing his diary, and with David Beckham practically on his way to Milan.

McCain said ‘Hell, who knows, I might even give up my seat on the senate and train twice a week!’

McCain’s one big regret, he confided in a friend, is that he forgot to thank all the good people of America who voted for ‘change’ - they have certainly brought that ‘change’ and laid it upon the doorstep of LA Galaxy.

Are LA Galaxy now gutsy enough to accept this great gift the nation of America has bestowed upon them, send that posh Englishman off to Italy, and accept their one true leader (well in footie terms anyway)?

New Seat Belt Law

Becomes effective 1st November 2008

The Highway Safety Council has done extensive testing on a newly designed seat belt.

Results show that accidents can be reduced by as much as 45% when the belt is properly installed.

Correct installation is illustrated below…

This is a little clip we were pointed to today, and whilst it is kind of funny, it also has some serious implications attached….

Dunno peoples thoughts on this in the USA, but it certainly doesn’t paint a good picture to the rest of us in Europe.

Anyway, I see we have gone a slightly different direction today on this blog, and we are posting interesting, rather than funny stuff. An interesting turn for us, but we are still not getting involved in any political statements, merely providing the information as we receive it.

Scary stuff, and a fitting ‘end’ to a burglar’s activities

This guy climbed a tree to break into a South African Museum. As he moved around the trees, he set the alarm off, and tried then to make his escape.

He slipped from one of the trees, and ended up impaled on a fence (as per pics below). His screams finally alerted a guy who was driving past, and the alarm was raised.

The Police and Fire Service finally got the guy removed from the fence, by cutting the 30cm long spike off the fence, and rushing both the potential robber and it to the hospital.

Damage to him we know no real details of, but I would assume his intestines were given a bit of damage, and he will not be breaking into anywhere in the near future.

The guy was named as Siyana Pasiwe (aged 32) and he was arrested, though he will not stand trial until he has recovered from his injuries.

Enough, lets get to the pics

Who says there is no justice, eh?

Link to a story we received the updated details from HERE

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A nice topical pic sent to me by email…

Some jokes especially for Haloween (don’t blame me, the original link is at the bottom)…

Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school?
- - - He was buttering up his teacher.

Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
- - - He’s all right now.

Have you seen Quasimodo?
- - - I have a hunch he’s back!

How can you tell that a vampire likes baseball?
- - - He turns into a bat every night.

How can you tell when a vampire has been in a bakery?
- - - All the jelly has been sucked out of the jelly doughnuts.

How did the ghost patch his sheet?
- - - With a pumpkin patch.

How does a girl vampire flirt?
- - - She bats her eyes.

What did the cannibal do when he saw an “All you can eat” restaurant?
- - - He had two waiters and a busboy.

What do ghosts and goblins drink on Halloween?
- - - Ghoul-aid.

What do ghosts put on top of an ice cream sundae?
- - - Whipped scream.

What do ghosts serve for dessert?
- - - I Scream.

What do sea monsters eat for lunch?
- - - Fish and ships.

What do witches put on their hair?
- - - Scare spray.

What do you call a little monster’s parents?
- - - Mummy and deady.

What do you call a monster with no neck?
- - - The Lost Neck Monster.

What do you call a witch who lives at the beach?
- - - A sand witch.

What do you get when you cross a black cat with a lemon.
- - - A sour-puss.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
- - - Frostbite.

What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
- - - Bamboo.

What do you give a skeleton for Valentine’s Day?
- - - Bone-bones in a heart shaped box.

What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog?
- - - He is mist.

What happens when a ghost haunts a theater?
- - - The actors get stage fright.

What instrument do skeletons play?
- - - Trom-BONE.

What is a cannibal’s favorite type of TV show?
- - - A celebrity roast.

What is a vampire’s favorite holiday?
- - - Fangsgiving.

What is as sharp as a vampires fang?
- - - His other fang.

What is Beethoven doing in his coffin right now?
- - - Decomposing.

What kind of makeup do ghosts wear?
- - - Mas-scare-a.

What kind of mistakes do spooks make?
- - - Boo boos.

What kind of music do ghosts listen to?
- - - Sheet music.

What kind of tie does a ghost wear to a formal party?
- - - A boo-tie.

What was the witches’ favorite subject in school?
- - - Spelling.

What’s a ghost’s favorite desert?
- - - Boo-berry pie.

What’s a monster’s favorite bean?
- - - A human bean.

What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire?
- - - It’s a pain in the neck.

Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
- - - Dayscare centers.

Where do most werewolves live?
- - - In Howllywood, California.

Where does a ghost go on vacation?
- - - Mali-boo.

Where does a one-armed man shop?
- - - At a second hand store.

Where does Dracula usually eat his lunch?
- - - At the casketeria.

Which building does Dracula visit in New York?
- - - The Vampire State Building.

Which songs does Dracula hate?
- - - “You Are My Sunshine” and “Sunshine on my Shoulders.”

Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
- - - His ghoul friend.

Who was the most famous French skeleton?
- - - Napoleon bone-apart.

Who was the most famous ghost detective?
- - - Sherlock Moans.

Who was the most famous skeleton detective?
- - - Sherlock Bones.

Who was the most famous witch detective?
- - - Warlock Holmes.

Why couldn’t Dracula’s wife get to sleep?
- - - Because of his coffin.

Why did the cannibal rush over to the cafeteria?
- - - He heard children were half price.

Why did the game warden arrest the ghost?
- - - He didn’t have a haunting license.

Why did the ghost go into the bar?
- - - For the boos.

Why did the vampire give his girlfriend a blood test?
- - - To see if she was his type.

Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
- - - He had no guts.

Why didn’t the skeleton dance at the party?
- - - He had no body to dance with.

Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
- - - Because demons are a ghoul’s best friend.

Why do mummies make excellent spies?
- - - They’re good at keeping things under wraps.

Why doesn’t anybody like Dracula?
- - - He has a bat temper.

Why don’t mummies take vacations?
- - - They’re afraid they’ll relax and unwind.

Why don’t witches like to ride their brooms when they’re angry?
- - - They’re afraid of flying off the handle!

Why wasn’t there any food left after the monster party?
- - - Because everyone was a goblin!

Why were there screams coming from the kitchen ?
- - - The cook was beating the eggs.

Source: http://www.chalo.net/halloween/jokes.html

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