Found Stuff

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my husband purchased a week of personal training at the local health club.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me.

He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile.  Woo Hoo!!

Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines.. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today.  Very inspiring!

Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.  Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it!  My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile.

His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!  It’s a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it.  I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.  Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.  His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster.  Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?  Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life…He said some other shit too.

THURSDAY:

Asshole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl.  I couldn’t help being a half an hour late– it took me that long to tie my shoes.

He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom.  He sent some skinny bitch to find me.  Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine– which I sank.

FRIDAY:

I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world.  Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic, little aerobic instructor.  If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

Christo wanted me to work on my triceps.  I don’t have any triceps!  And if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.  Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:

Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today.  Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner.

However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:

I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over.  I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal or a hysterectomy.

I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

Consider the following Celebrity Homes:

1.  John Travolta

2. Oprah

3. J-Lo

4. Arnold Schwarzenegger

5. Eddie Murphy

6. Billy Joel

7. Sylvester Stallone

8. Tiger Woods

In the Ruff Ruff, yet again

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Three little ducks walk into a bar….

The Barman asks the 1st little duck, “Say, what’s your name?”

“Huey”, replies the little duck.

“How has your day been Huey?” asks the barman.

“Great.  Lovely day.  I had a ball.  Been in and out of Puddles all day.  What else could a duck want?”

“Oh that’s nice”, said the Barman, and he turned to the 2nd little duck, “What’s your name?”

“Dewey”, replies the 2nd little duck.

“So how’s your day been Dewey?” asks the Barman.

“Great thanks.  Lovely day.  I had a ball too.  Been in and out of Puddles all day myself.  What more could a duck want?”

The Barman turns to the 3rd little duck and says, “I suppose you must be Louie then?”

…

…

…

…

“No”, she replies, batting her eyelashes, “My name is Puddles…”

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OK, on the trail of bizarre news, we came across this little gem

The story is summarised as follows, originally printed in The Telegraph

Apparently this guy turned up at Southampton General Hospital, with his penis stuck fast in a stainless steel pipe.  Staff could do nothing with it, since the loss of blood flow ’caused him to be aroused’ making removal impossible.

The quick-thinking staff called the Fire Service, and it took 7 firefighters armed with a 4½” grinder a blistering 30 minutes to cut the pipe away from the afflicted patient.

The guy is said to have no permanent damage, just a bit of swelling and bruising.

The only dampener on the story is, the guy never explained the story behind his predicament….. but I think we can hazard a guess !!

I don’t think I fancy a metal grinder so close to my assets, and the heat it would generate has to be a mite uncomfortable….. but then I’m not really one for sticking my manhood into metal pipes in the first place.

Having a background in the Health Service, I have heard stories of this type of thing, but this is the first confirmed version I have come across.  Please feel free to email us with any bizarre stories you come across (though we will require a supporting link before we can publish).

Hehe, some excellent names for eating houses in the pics below.  You couldn’t write this stuff

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Some pics sent to us today in an email, not all funny, some just cute.

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These pics all have a website stamped across them, so only fair we provide a link to Fropki which is a forum you may enjoy reading around. Lots of funny and interesting pics, jokes, etc to be read.

Hehe, I still think the expression on THIS dog’s face is priceless

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This has gotta be one of the worst ways to die I have ever heard……

As reported in The Straits Times (Singapore), a vietnamese worker and two colleagues who went to his aid suffocated to death inside a vat of fish sauce, police and news reports said on Monday.

The accident happened Saturday at a fish sauce plant in Cam Ranh township of coastal Khanh Hoa province.

One worker got into trouble after climbing in to fix a pipe, prompting his co-workers to try to rescue him, the Nong Nghiep (Agriculture) Vietnam newspaper reported.

All three died on the spot, it said.

Police were still investigating the deaths, the policeman told AFP.

Vietnamese fish sauce, a widely-used condiment, is made from a mix of anchovies and salt which is left to distil for more than a year in three-metre-high (10-feet-high) wooden vats.{{/linkXL}}

{{linkXL}}Instructions

Magic Towers Solitaire is a fun, more skillful version of the classic Tri Peaks card game.

The object of the game is to clear three peaks made up of cards to win a round. Try to win as many rounds as possible to build up your score.

You must place cards from the layout onto the card that is showing at the bottom. Only cards that are one lower or one higher can be placed here. The Ace is both high and low. If you cannot place any cards from the layout onto the showing card, click the next card button or the wild card. Read the rest of this entry »

An American tourist goes on a trip to China.

Whilst in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple bumps.  Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like it before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days.

The man returns in a couple of days, and the doctor says “I have some bad news.  You’ve contracted Mongolian VD.  It’s very rare and almost unheard of here,  we know very little about it”.

The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well give me a shot or something and fix me up doc”.

The doctor answers, “Sorry, there is no known cure.  We are going to have to amputate your penis”.

The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not!  I want a second opinion!”

The doctor replies, “Well, it’s your choice.  Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice”.

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The next day the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring he will know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, “Ah yes, Mongolian VD, Vely lare disease”.

The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do?  My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!”

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, “Stupid American docta, always want to opelate.  Make more money that way…… No need to opelate!”

“Oh, thank god”, the man replies.

“Yes”, says the Chinese Doctor, “You no worry.  Wait two weeks, fall off by itself.  You save money!”

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 year old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, “All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now. because this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train cause we’re going down the tracks.

The horrified mother went in and told her son, “We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now, I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language!”

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say. “All passengers, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon!”

She heard her little darling continue. “For those of you just boarding, remember there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.”

As the mother began to smile, the child added, “For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.”