Found Stuff

The following is a collection of some of the less-than-flattering pics available on the internet of Holywood heart-throb Brad Pitt.

We have collated the strangest & funniest we could find.

1. Brad looking a little effeminate - to break you in gently

Source: www.scifipedia.scifi.com

2. Brad looking more than a little effeminate, in a dress.

Source: www.handson.provocatuse.com

3. Brad having a little poke around to check for a brain

Source: www.celibritygossipclub.com

4. Brad trying out another oriface altogether

Source: www.celibritygossipclub.com

5. Brad a few years down the line

Source: www.theinsider.com

6. Brad struggling to drag the children around

Source: www.celebrific.com

7. A mockup of Brad & Angelina to see what the kids might look like

Source: www.freakingnews.com

8. Brad hurts himself & throws a tantrum

Source: www.people.com

(This pic is actually taken at the set of ‘Burn After Reading’ and is only a piece of acting, we all know Brad is much too tough to throw a tantrum - don’t we?)

9. Brad looking like he had a rough night

Source: www.babble.com

10. Brad looking like he had an even rougher night

Source: www.handson.provocateuse.com

11. Brad….OMG !!

Source: www.freakingnews.com

12. Brad during a slightly zany moment

Source: www.celebrities.biteus.org

13. Brad with a sex change

Source: www.freakingnews.com

14. Brad the Alien

Source: www.myfunnyworld.net

15. Brad - getting the evil eye

Source: www.jossip.com

OK, the debate still rages on, which do you prefer:

1. The Ex (Jennifer Aniston)

2. The present (Angelina Jolie)

3. A morphing of both?

Now, before you all go mental and start commenting on how fake these pictures are - we are aware that some of them are photoshopped, some are fake, some are ‘distortions’, etc. The collection is supposed to be humorous or a little weird (whatever you prefer), not a factual pictorial life story !!

A funny story about a man shopping in Tesco’s, sent to me today.

“I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn’t because I’d ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV’s in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her in the queue.

Horrified, she asked if I’d ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned.

I told her no, it was because I’d been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Silly cow……….why else would I buy dog food?”

Many thanks to Phil for this story

Three recently married men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives a list of duties.

The first man had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his wife she needed to do all the dishes and housework. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Canada. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Belfast girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, laundry and ironing twice a week, lawns mowed, windows cleaned and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn’t see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a handyman.

Moral: Don’t mess with the Belfast women

This morning I received a phone call from a gorgeous former girlfriend who called ‘out of the blue’ to see if I was still around.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.

I couldn’t believe it when she asked if I’d be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little bit of that ‘old magic’.

I was flabbergasted.

“I don’t know if I could keep pace with you now,” I said, “I’m a bit older and a bit grayer and a bit balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don’t really have the energy I used to have.” She just giggled and said she was sure I would rise to the challenge.

“Yeah,” I said, “Just so long as you don’t mind a man with a waistline that’s a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my lack of muscle and tone, with stuff sagging, my teeth not as white and my jowls like a Great Dane!”

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me, saying that tubby, grey haired older men were cute, and she was sure that I would still be a great lover.

Then she giggled, “I’ve put on quite a bit of weight myself!”

So I told her to rack off and hung up.

Was sent this today in an email - very good

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Another selection of funny pics we have been sent.

1. Golf for beginners

2. A damn good recovery

3. How a man can screw up romance

4. Mid life

5. Old age

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6. At least your eyesight is ok

7. Mirror, mirror, on the wall…

8. Men multi-task

9. Feeling bad in the morning

10. Priceless

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A new two-year degree is being offered at the Central Queensland University that many people should be interested in:

Becoming a Real Man. That’s right, in just six mini-semesters, you too can be a real man as well as earn an MA degree (Male Arts).

Program outline

Year 1

Autumn Schedule:

• MEN 101: Combating Stupidity
• MEN 102: You too can do house work
• MEN 103: PMS - learn to keep your mouth shut
• MEN 104: We do not want sleazy under garments for Christmas

Winter Schedule:

• MEN 110: Wonderful laundry techniques
• MEN 111: Understanding the female response to getting in at 4am
• MEN 112: Parenting - It doesn’t end with conception
• EAT 100: Get a life - Learn to cook
• EAT 101: Get a life - Learn to cook II
• ECON 001A: What is hers is hers

Spring Schedule:

• MEN 120: How not to act like an arse when you’re wrong
• MEN 121: Understanding your incompetence
• MEN 122: You - the weaker sex
• MEN 123: Reasons to give flowers
• ECON 001C: What was yours is hers

YEAR 2

Autumn Schedule:

• SE#X 101: You can fall asleep without it
• SE#X 102: Morning dilemna - If it’s awake, take a shower
• SE#X 103: How to stay awake after sex
• MEN 201: How to put the toilet seat down
• Elective (see list below)

Winter Schedule:

• MEN 210: The remote control - overcoming your dependency
• MEN 211: How not to act younger than your children
• MEN 212: You too can be a designated driver
• MEN 213: Honest, you don’t look like Brad Pitt
• MEN 230A: Her birthday & anniversaries are important

Spring Schedule:

• MEN 220: Omitting %&*!@ from your vocabulary (Pass/Fail only)
• MEN 221: Fluffing the blanket after farting is not necessary
• MEN 222: Real men ask for directions
• MEN 223: Thirty minutes of begging is not considered foreplay
• MEN 230B: Her birthday and anniversaries are important II

Course Electives:

• EAT 102: Cooking with Tofu
• EAT 103: Utilisation of Eating Utensils
• EAT 104: Burping and belching discreetly
• MEN 231: Mothers-in-law
• MEN 232: Appear to be listening
• MEN 233: Just say ‘yes dear’
• ECON 001B: Cheaper to keep her

PDF available HERE

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Ronnie Barker was one of Britain’s best-loved comedians, best known for his roles as Norman Stanley Fletcher (Fletch) in Porridge, as one half of the duo The Two Ronnies (with Ronnie Corbett), and as the stuttering shopkeeper Arkwright in Open All Hours (with David Jason of Only Fools and Horses fame).

What some people may not know is that Ronnie Barker, in addition to being a great actor and comedian, was also a very accomplished comedy writer. He wrote under the guise of Gerald Wiley, and hid his true identity for many many years, before coming out and admitting to the ploy some time later. His reasoning behind this was that he thought his writing would not be judged on merit, if everyone knew it came from him.

Ronnie Barker sadly passed away on 3rd October 2005, and will be sadly missed, though he lives on in his comedy sketches and series, which never seem to date in the same way which others do.

Anyway, lets get onto some of his finest work:

1. The Two Ronnies - Fork Handles
This sketch is probably one of the finest and most widely known of the Two Ronnies sketches, and has been the winner of many awards.

2. The Two Ronnies - Mastermind
This is excellent, and typical of the style of Ronnie Barker’s humour.

3. Porridge
A couple of short clips from the popular Porridge series, showing Fletcher (Barker) at his best.

Richard Bekinsale also starred in this series with Barker, maybe better known as the father of Kate Bekinsale, the actress. Bekinsale acted an excellent part in Porridge alongside Barker. Unfortunately Richard Bekinsale died prematurely in 1979 at the age of 31 after a heart attack. Bekinsale was a great partner for Barker in Porridge and was portrayed as the young con to Fletchers older more-experienced con, but who were also cell mates. Bekinsale also starred in another of Britain’s comedy greats ‘Rising Damp’ with Leonard Rossiter.

4. Open All Hours - Intro
A short clip of the opening titles of Open All Hours

If you want to watch an episode of Open All Hours, there is one on Youtube, split into three portions. How long they will be allowed to stay there I am not sure, but the following links will get you to them for as long as they are available:

• Full of Mysterious Promise, Part 1
• Full of Mysterious Promise, Part 2
• Full of Mysterious Promise, Part 3

5. Ronnie Barker - BAFTA Award
Ronnie Barker was given this BAFTA award in 2005, just before he died. When he teamed up with Ronnie Corbett to work on the Two Ronnies Sketchbook (basically a ‘best of’ series) and a Christmas Special (filmed in August 2005 as Barker knew he was gravely ill), it was to be his last, and most everyone knew it.

Ronnie Barker, OBE - Comedy Genius

25 September 1929 - 5 October 2005

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In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God’s bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said, ‘You want hot fudge with that? And Man said, ‘Yes!’ And Woman said, ‘I’ll have one too with chocolate chips’. And lo they gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthy yoghurt that woman might keep the figure that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.

So God said, ‘Try my fresh green salad’. And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said ‘I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them’.

And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter, and Man’s cholesterol went through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato; naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.

Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds.

God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds.

And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.

Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.

And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger. Then Satan said ‘You want fries with that?’ and Man replied, ‘Yes, and super size ‘em’. And Satan said, ‘It is good.’ And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed

…and created quadruple by-pass surgery.

And then Satan chuckled

…and created the National Health Service.

THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION

After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here’s the final word on nutrition and health.:

• Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
• Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
• Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
• Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
• Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
• The French eat foie-gras, full fat cheese and drink red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what does it.

The top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: ‘This is Gregorieva from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.’
2. Dressage commentator: ‘This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.’
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: ‘I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.’
4. Boxing Analyst: ‘Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.’
5. Softball announcer: ‘If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.’
6. Basketball analyst: ‘He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn’t like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.’
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: ‘Ah, isn’t that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.’
8. Soccer commentator: ‘Julian Dicks is everywhere. It’s like they’ve got eleven Dicks on the field.’
9. Tennis commentator: ‘One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them… Oh my God, what have I just said?’

Many thanks to Dawg for sharing his funnies

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